I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
