i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
