He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
