I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
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