When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
