I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
