I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
