god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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