she woke up with a sticky ear
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
