I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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