I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
