He told me they were just razor bumps!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
