I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize