remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
