If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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