So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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