Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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