I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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