I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
