whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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