well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
