Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
