so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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