Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
