What a fucking waste of an outfit
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
