Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
