I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize