Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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