when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize