Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
