Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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