Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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