after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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