the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
