What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
