Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
