I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
