The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
