after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
