Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your penis caused this!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
