Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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