How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
