So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
