god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
