sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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