Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize