mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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