can we get nightvision for the apartment?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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