she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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