he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
