mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
