i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
