I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
