she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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