I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
