I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
