Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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