You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
